I confess: I love men who surf. I love watching them put wax on their board and velcroing their leash to their hairy ankles. But I think a lot of male surfers need to step up their game in the dating department. That’s why I’ve come up with this helpful guide for male surfers (aged over 30) to clear up any confusion over dating etiquette. I’ve written it as a list of dos and don’ts so it’s easy to understand, but mainly because a list requires a lot less skill to write….
- Grade 2 level cooking. It’s time to progress. Must have at least 3 go to dinners, not including spag bol. However culinary experience should not be taken too far. A puree of baby capers, a starfruit compote or anything that has to be ‘foraged’ takes too long when we’re hungry after a surf session. NB Guacamole is no longer an appropriate dish to take to a potluck, especially if you’ve given it the consistency of gravy.
- Cleanliness. This also needs to be taken up a notch. Do not leave wet towels on the bed, especially not on my pillow. If you are wiping down the kitchen surfaces don’t just swipe the crumbs onto the floor. Personal hygiene has and always will be mandatory. It’s good to sometimes wear cologne, but not Axe and certainly not Axe anarchy for him fragrance
- We are impressed if you know your way around a ding repair kit (because we don’t). However, it should not involve lots of huffing and puffing, or hoity toity comments like “why did you surf it onto the rocks?”
- We’re also really impressed and grateful when you help us with our motorbike or car. But no tut-tutting if we’ve done something silly like not checked the oil for over 3 years.
- Hair bands are like gold dust on a surf trip. Don’t use them and lose them in a willy nilly fashion. Also bring your own hair conditioner
- Must like cats
- Hanging out at the beach together is great, but not if it’s at some kind of modern day version of the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun with men flexing their muscles on a trapeze
- At the very least, pretend to be interested in our surf session and the waves we were amped about.
- Don’t worry if you haven’t got the archetypal surfer dude body. Receding hairline? Bit flabby around the middle? Spectacles? We find these things comforting. Men are probably just as ill-served by silly gender clichés as women are. Surfing magazines misrepresent you just as much as they misrepresent us. Just be kind and funny and honest.
- Similarly, don’t worry if you’re not an amazing surfer. We don’t care how much spray you throw or how critical your turns are. Just be nice. Help grannies to cross the road
- Women surfers are very athletic with lots of stamina. But men shouldn’t get too intimidated in the bedroom. Fifty shades? No thankyou, we paddled a lot today and we’re as tired as you are
- But, stop letting your mum buy your underpants. Don’t wear your boardshorts 3 inches above your bellybutton
- My rashguard which is hanging up to dry should not be used as some sort of de facto rag to douse in rubbing alcohol and clean your surfboard with
- It’s great when we both agree to video each other surfing. However if I video you surfing for one hour, I expect a quid pro quo arrangement where you will also video me for one hour. Also, when I look at my footage I don’t expect to find video of hot chicks in thong bikinis frolicking in the white water
- Have a job. Selling beads at the organic market once a week does not count as a job. Nor does ‘caretaking’ your rich uncle’s / friend’s vacation home
- Vague feedback comments like ‘when are you going to start ripping’ and ‘just don’t pop up like that’ are not helpful
- If you enjoy a lucky night of unbridled passion at a woman’s house and she’s driving you home the next morning and you ask to stop at the Italian bakery because you want to eat a chocolate bombolone … and she asks you to get her a bombolone as well … IT’S OKAY FOR YOU TO PAY FOR OUR BOMBOLONE! Our feminist principles will not be offended (but thankyou for the endless mirth you gave me and my friends and you will always be known as Mr Cheapo Bombolone)
- Don’t tell a girl at the beginning of the tourism low season that you only want a girlfriend during the low season
- This should go without saying but never ever call other women whores or sluts. In our eyes nothing degrades you more.