Surf, love, life: My New Year’s Resolutions

 

Dear Past, thankyou for the lessons.  Dear Future, I’m ready for you.  New Year.  New me.  Here are my New Year’s Resolutions for surfing, loving and living….

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS TO IMPROVE SURFING:

  1. Go to yoga class twice a week, and not merely to ogle at the male instructor and his Action Man biceps
  2. Stop going on stupid faddy diets, instead eat proper nourishing food
  3. Do a 7 day juice cleanse
  4. Don’t grab the rails when popping up backside
  5. Wake up earlier to surf, and get out of bed as soon as alarm goes off and don’t press the snooze button 20 times
  6. Stop adding delicious frothy choca mocha sachets to mugs of coffee before and after surf sessions
  7. Don’t obsess over the following: bikinis, cellulite, burnt frazzled hair, thigh gap
  8. Buy a white bikini exactly like Ursula Andress’s in Dr No, but must keep track of Red Tide of Doom
  9. Occasionally put rashguard out to dry, and don’t leave in a heap on the bedroom floor.
  10. Occasionally wash rashguard

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FOR FINDING LOVE:

  1. Delete Tinder account
  2. The following are not good subjects for first dates: ingrowing toenails, PMS, my cat Mr Tibbles, and irritable bowel syndrome
  3. Stop drinking boxed wine
  4. Stop removing the outer cardboard from boxed wine, and then going out with the silver lining and its wine contents … as if it’s some kind of silver handbag
  5. Stop downing drinks with fun names like ‘jungle juice’ and ‘coco loco’ and then spending the whole of the next day lying down groaning ‘NOOOOO…… DOOM … I WANT TO DIE’
  6. Push cuticles back on nails
  7. Stop having crushes and ladyboners over guys who barely know of my existence. Also stop having elaborate fantasies about them getting nudey at the tide pools
  8. Support the multibillion dollar cosmetics industry by investing in a ‘new look’. Throw out Rimmel ‘luscious lash’ mascara from circa 1994, and Boots number 7 ‘smoke n shine’ eyeliner.  Around March, revert back to the ‘old look’
  9. Invest in a home waxing kit. Don’t allow bikini line to be reminiscent of a ZZ Top beard
  10. Do ab exercises twice a week. I’ve noticed that guys (particularly surfer guys) are not impressed when I do a hilarious gag which involves making a face with my stomach rolls and then making it talk

GENERAL LIFESTYLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:

  1. Become the sort of woman who sprouts her own quinoa
  2. Put a blue disc in the top of the toilet in order to reveal a pleasing commitment to cleanlinesss
  3. Have fresh clean linen in a cupboard which has shelves labelled with ‘pillowcases’, ‘double undersheets’, ‘single sheet’ etc
  4. Remove sand from bed
  5. Remove cat hair from bed
  6. Always know how much money, roughly, is in bank account
  7. Cancel subscriptions to pilates unlimited, yoga online, and all the meditation and mindfulness apps which I never ever use
  8. Eat more buttered scones because they will always make life more worthwhile. NB, it’s okay to just press big thick golden curls of butter on, and not spread it
  9. Stop dancing to The Divinyls ‘I Touch Myself’ whilst I am at home by myself. The neighbour’s children are emotionally scarred by it
  10. And the usual stuff like be kinder, floss, be more accepting, laugh more, skype parents more often, eat less chocolate and support world peace

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