All I need after surfing is … a vaginal steaming


Of all the services I offer my community (playing Adele loudly in the beach carpark, letting drivers out of difficult driveways, and telling people generally to bend their knees more) it is my local Woo Woo Surveillance Service which I am the most proud of.  Today my Woo Woo-a-Metre is sounding like a klaxon because I have some thrilling news to impart….

I like to think I keep an open mind.  Our mum was first in the queue when Kellogg’s pop tarts came out, and I think I get it from her.  So naturally it was with delighted bafflement that I noticed on a local spa brochure a treatment of ‘vaginal steaming’.  Well, I thought, that’s just right up my alley!  I have literally lost count of the number of times I have exited the ocean after surfing and thought “I’m going to have a hot shower, but I wish there was something more I could do to freshen up my flaps”.   I like steamed veg and steamed clams.  When I was a spotty teenager I used to borrow my mum’s cake mixing bowl to give myself a facial steaming.  A vaginal steaming will “rejuvenate, tighten and balance the hormones of the vagina” explains the brochure, all for a bargain price of just $60.  Who knew?  All these years and I’ve been walking round with a tired, saggy and unbalanced vagina.

Intrigued by the claims, I then took to the internet to find out more (in truth, ‘vaginal’ and ‘steaming’ are two words I never thought I’d put together).  It turns out that this pamperment for the private lady bits became a thing last year, especially after endorsement from the celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow.  In its most simplistic terms it’s a chair with a hole in it and bucket of hot water underneath.  The water has special herbs like mugwort and rosemary (although I intend to also add kale when I get mine done).  I think it would make a great birthday or anniversary gift for any woman.  Just imagine the romantic moment that would ensue if you opened a present from a boyfriend or spouse and it was a spa voucher for a vaginal steaming!

Following my hushed enquiries at the spa, it seems that this treatment is not available for men.  Men’s bollocks are being forced to remain unsteamed, despite all that jostling around in sweaty, damp boardshorts.  But fear not men, for I am campaigning for you to also be given the right to get the wrinkles and creases out of your ball sacs.  I’m sure that many men will be clamouring to avail themselves of this service.  Equality for all!

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