In many ways I am not the right person to be talking about future inventions. I still use Windows 7. I called the internet “a fad” when it first became popular. When my sister bought her first ipod I said “why do I need all my CDs in one place, I already have them in one place” whilst brandishing an arm at my haphazard CD shelves. I got my first smartphone last year, when a friend took pity on me. But I’ve thought long and hard about this, and here are some inventions that I would definitely buy….
- 100 percent Kelly, 100 percent of the time
This is a microchip which is fitted into the back of the head with a fin key. The microchip interrupts signals being sent between the optic nerve and the cerebral cortex and it inserts a 3D image of Kelly Slater into your life. For example, if you wake up in the middle of the night, there’s Kelly softly snoring and snug as a bug next to you. When you’re at the tidepools … who’s that with the cheeky buns who’s playfully splashing me?… it’s Kelly! Or if you’re at the karaoke, there’s Kelly and he’s beckoning me over to sing the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton duet ‘Islands in the Stream’. It’s good to sing this number with someone else because it’s hard to do both parts by myself because there are a lot of “OOoooo”s and “Ah Ahhhs” and it’s quite stressful.
When I mooted this invention idea with my friends they said “But people will think you’re a wierdo if you’re out surfing and you start shouting “GO KELLY GO!!” and there’s no one actually there”. To them I say “I hear your concerns, but I don’t care”.
- Folding skateboard ramp
The best thing I ever did for my surfing (apart from turning up at the beach sometimes) was getting on a skateboard ramp. I was on a short vacation at the Buena Onda Beach Resort in Popoyo, Nicaragua and they have a beautiful big ramp right on the beachfront. I had to be coerced onto it, but then I became ADDICTED! I didn’t even want to go surfing because I was so obsessed with the ramp. It especially helped me with frontside top turns which I’d always really struggled with. I’d read and studied what I needed to do … head turns first, then the shoulders and arms, then the hips. But it wasn’t until I actually felt it in my own body on that ramp that I understood it. I had to feel it first. I think there’s also something to be said to being exposed to a mild level of fear that suddenly puts falling in water into a different perspective. However I’ve never actually dropped into a ramp, instead I do that lame kicking off thing from the middle.
There is a small skatepark where I live, but I am intimidated by 13 year old boys so I’ve never been. I am certainly the wrong sex and age profile to be a skater, and living in a small community I like to maintain a veneer of normality. Having said that, I think there is a flow and a beauty and a grace to skating which the marketing professionals have failed to promote to a female audience.
What I want is my own ramp, in my own garden where I can look like a gobshite to my heart’s content. However ramps can cost thousands of pounds. So that’s where the folding skateboard ramp comes in! It is made of a highly durable and lightweight material that can be packed up and folded into a tote bag. I’m envisaging that the material is probably the same as what they use to line space shuttles, or something like that.
- The thermogenic blaze wetsuit
It is an irrefutable fact that women feel the cold much more than men. I know this because of the number of nights I’ve spent pitched up in a tent freezing my tits off and wide awake, whilst my male friends are slinging off the covers with beads of sweat on their brow. In the UK I use the Rip Curl Flashbomb wetsuit and this has made a big difference. But wetsuit manufacturers need to step it up again. I would like a wetsuit that uses the same technology that hikers use with their handwarming gloves. My wetsuit of the future will convert oxygen into heat and it will be activated by a button. It will be similar to that glorious feeling when you pee in your wetsuit, except that it will last for up to 2 hours. The heat generator wetsuit will also be completely reusable, eco-friendly, very flexible, quick drying, and with a neon hot pink flash down the side.
- The Geckini – the bikini that stays on
A bikini that stays on is the holy grail of women’s surfing. When I first learnt to surf I used to have to wear a sports bra underneath my wetsuit because even the bikinis produced by the surf companies were entirely impractical. Thankfully brands like Calavera, Seea and Mona are changing all that. But I want to take it up a notch. The Geckini is a flattering cross-back bikini which has strategic adhesive strips based on the sticky powers of the feet of geckos. Just like geckos can run up vertical walls and scurry along ceilings, the geckini will stick to the surfer through duckdives and my favourite manoeuvre – the over-the-falls.
The Geckini maintains its grip even when immersed in water, in fact water immersion fortifies the grip. I should point out that no geckos will be harmed in the manufacture of geckinis. A few will be studied but they will be housed in an eco habitat with trees, pools, outdoor leisure activities and a juicy banquet of mosquitos. Effectively it will be the Shangri-La of the lizard world. After they have been studied they will be released back to their former habitat, with the help of Sir David Attenborough.
- Is it a bird?.. Is it a plane?… No it’s a surfboard
Women love things that are multi-functional. If you tell me there is an all-in-one cosmetic pen that is a mascara, eyeliner, eyebrow shaper, lip gloss and perfume … well, I will put my coat on and head straight out the door and down to Boots to buy one. So it would be good to have a surfboard that has other uses. I don’t like the idea of a surfboard with a motor on the back, if I can’t paddle out on a particular day then I think that’s Nature’s way of telling me that I shouldn’t be there. But how about a surfboard that is also a hoverboard, a phone, a blender, a camera and a granola bar dispenser? It could also come with built in wifi, apps, and a selfie stick. Oh wait! Hang on! Aren’t those the things we surf to escape from? Ok, scrap that idea.
- Artificial Wave
The biggest thing to happen in surfing in recent years is undoubtedly the unveiling of Kelly Slater’s artificial wave. There’s also the new wavegarden in Snowdonia in Wales and it looks so amazing that I want to cry. The future of surfing is changing and it is so frickin awesome that sometimes I get so excited and some wee seeps out. This incredible sport is going to become accessible to millions more people, in particular people who can’t afford to live at the beach.
Admittedly I am no hydraulics expert, but with women in mind I think the water needs to be warm. Also the 22 year old dude with the sun bleached hair who is manning the wave dial should not say things like “oh the women are getting in, I’d better turn down the size and speed of the waves”. Just because I have a pussy, it doesn’t mean I am one.
- The stoked drone
I sometimes turn up at surf breaks and I realise I’ve made a terrible oversight – I don’t have a penis. Like 99.9 percent of surfers, male and female, I am never going to be in a surf dvd or win a surf contest. I just want to have a fun time, so I don’t understand all the growling, crotch sniffing and pawing at the ground. Some surfers have a facial expression which is the same one I use when I’m about to make a high risk move in a Christmas game of Jenga. So that’s where the stoked drone comes in. It is a tiny silent drone that looks like a beautiful butterfly and it will be looked after by the President of that area’s local surf association. It is equipped with smart technology which can hear bad words and sense when the vibe is bad. When it senses the ‘no buenas vibraciones’ it emits a harmless pheromone into the sky which makes everyone go all caring and sharing. Before you know it the grumblies will start to realise that being nice means that people are nice back to you, by putting out good energy the Universe sends good energy back to you. Well that’s what grandma Helen thinks anyway.
Stay stoked! Love Helen xx