Nobody on the road, nobody on the beach … my life feels like that wistful 80s anthem right now. September and October are the off season months in Costa Rica with inconsistent waves and very little tourism, work, or structure to the days. It’s enough to turn a sane person a bit mad…
It is the angst of having no angst. The other day I found myself googling ‘why won’t my red quinoa fluff?’ And that just about sums up my life right now. When I am running around like a headless chicken during the high season I yearn for the low season, and now it’s here I can’t wait for it to be over. Most of this surf town emptied out a month back to go trim weed in California. But I can’t do that because I don’t smoke weed so half the fun of it would be lost. Also my ipod is a 2nd generation nano with only 4GB, and there’s only so many times I can listen to Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’. Still I would live in fear of that nano breaking, and being forced to listen all day to the conspiracy theories of stoners.
But one must earn a crust so here are my latest business ideas which I will be crowdfunding for (if I knew what that even was)…
This is a delicious idea which will see me rounding up the stray female dogs in the town. The sad truth is that some of these dogs are unmarried mothers who’ve experienced unwanted pregnancies. In exchange for food and a safe loving home, I will milk the dogs and turn their milk into yogurt – or dogurt! Dogurt is dairy, lactose and gluten free. It’s mild, creamy, fresh, low in fat and high in protein and vitamin B6. Kookbitches hopes to be selling dogurt at the organic market on Saturdays. I will bring some of the dogs with me to the market so that I’ve got the whole ‘farm to table’ angle covered. Stay cool n’ slim with dogurt!
- Stacks n’ Straps Consultancy Ltd
I don’t like to toot my own horn, but toot toot, I am very good at stacking surfboards on a car/ van/ boat. I once stacked 17 boards on a van using only 4 straps with my patent pending ‘sandwich’ formation. There is very little technical advice available in this area and I have noticed many surf camps and surf shops are using poor and dangerous methods. My idea is that I will travel as a consultant to exotic locations around the world like the Maldives, Hawaii, Fiji, Tahiti, Indonesia etc to educate businesses on how to strap down a stack. Usual consultancy fee of $39,999 applies.
- Deconstructing North Americans Retreat
This special ground-breaking retreat will be held in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica. It is a water only fasting and silent retreat. The 7 day, 6 night experience is truly transformational and empowering. It is also deeply restful because there are no activities or lectures. Guests will be fully immersed in nature because they won’t be staying in a hotel, instead we have created a sacred space down the south end of the beach where we will offer hemp seed sleeping bags (our motto is: Go outside to grow inside). If clients want to purge themselves of toxins we can recommend a couple of restaurants which have administered thousands of colonics over the years. The really important thing is that everyone loses weight on this retreat. Join us for this profound experience, costing only $9,999. Book early and get a $50 discount.
- Uber, but for surfboards
Noone likes de-waxing and re-waxing their surfboards, and that’s where Waxr comes in. A surfer comes back from a slippery, slidey surf session, they need to change their wax but they don’t have time. He or she opens the Waxr app which geo-locates and an independent contractor – a Waxr ninja – is dispatched. Waxr is still in beta, but I’m thinking the surfer will be debited around $25 and the Waxr ninja will have to pay 50% commission (because that’s how the ‘sharing economy’ works these days).
- Nudey male surfers Christmas calendar
Amongst me and my female friends nothing causes more heated debate than the question “Who in this town would you like to see in a naked calendar?” If I was to offer a small vignette of these debates it would go something like this – and look, you must believe me when I say I only type this stuff – “The guy with the three legged dog at Hermosa …. No, no, the guy who rides the softtop at Cabuya …. The guy who cooks the chickens at the Grill (insert shrieking, unsteady breathing and lascivious cackling laughter)”
The calendar would be a quality Christmas gift for all the family, especially for that difficult to please aunt. Also with strategically placed surfboards it could be a classy-and-artistic-and-not-at-all-sleazy production. But kookbitches has just remembered that it is all about equality and dignity, and is against the objectification of women and men. So the calendar idea is ditched. Sorry Mr April!