2017 is the year I’m grabbing waves by the p_ssy

 

When making New Year’s Resolutions I’m always reminded of one of my favourite Bruce Springsteen lyrics “I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face”.  That’s because I’m still wearing the same 3 bras I bought in 2005, my hair is so unfashionably big that it often affects my peripheral vision, and I need another round of botox.  But what I really want is to be a better surfer, so here are my surfing goals for 2017.  I’ve tacked on a few general lifestyle goals as well just for added good measure…

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS TO IMPROVE SURFING

  • Paddle for at least 2 waves that scare me in every surf session
  • Don’t do the ‘stripper butt’ when going backside
  • Do the The 50 pop up challenge once a week. As Michael Phelps said it’s what you do in the dark that shows up in the light
  • Position alarm clock away from bed so I have to get out of bed in order to switch it off. Also don’t press ‘snooze’ a gazillion times
  • Aim for a high wave count, and write down on the calendar the number of waves caught in every session
  • Clench my butt cheeks whilst paddling. To help with this I am going to imagine that I’m on a hot date (doesn’t happen often, but still) and I had a burrito for lunch and I’m holding in a fart
  • Buy a fat chunky surfboard.  I write so often about the benefits of high volume shortboards that I should set up a keyboard macro.  I need to practice what I preach
  • Hunt down waves and grab them by the p_ssy
  • Do more yoga, and accept that this will be on my NY resolutions until I am age 90.
  • When doing a frontside top turn bring the trailing arm ACROSS the body, and don’t let it flail behind me like I’m a cowboy at the rodeo.  A ballerina looks beautiful when her whole body is working together, and the same principle applies to surfing
  • Make my wipeouts more epic
  • Get videoed more

 

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS TO UPGRADE LIFE

  • Create an air of mystery by not responding to facebook event invitations. People will surely be on the edge of their seats wondering if I am going to turn up or not
  • Update Tinder photos to include a classy side-boob shot
  • Use the expression ‘PIPE DOWN!’ more
  • Continue program of home improvements. This year I bought a bath mat and I can’t tell you how much this has improved my quality of life.  Now when I step out of the shower I am not a risk of slipping and cracking my head open.  This year I want to install a curtain pole (without tears, obvs)
  • Peg out laundry on line immediately after washing machine stops. Don’t leave clothes in machine for days on end
  • Stop having schoolgirl crushes on men and assigning them with characteristics that they don’t have. I end up getting totally crushed.  But, to give credit where credit is due, I am getting much more efficient at moving on from my crushes, usually by just finding a new one.  And when my soul eventually breaks free from the pathetic lies I’ve been telling it, it’s actually a pretty cool feeling
  • Improve Spanish so that not all of my sentences start with “Es posible …..?”
  • Start a gratitude jar. Not because I actually want to start a gratitude jar, I just want to tell people about it
  • Stop watching Ted talks and then trying to pass off ideas as my own
  • Finish writing my musical called ‘Surf Camp!’ because despite buying every single ‘how to write a musical’ book from Amazon all I’ve done so far is written ‘Plot Treatment’ on my chalk board, and underneath that I’ve written ‘Ryan Gosling???’
  • Get eyes lasiked because the sexy librarian look is not working. Also I am fed up of hearing myself being called ‘the one with glasses’ when I would rather be known as ‘the one who is awesome’
  • Make 2017 the year I leave tropical paradise and go back to the UK, because I’ve realized that the UK is not such a bad place after all. I miss the drizzly rain, ‘mind the gap’, salty chips on the seawall, a proper cup of tea, Vanish Oxi Action Stain Remover (it removes all stains), people saying “I’m terribly sorry” when they accidently bump into you, M&S sandwiches, M&S 60 denier tights, my mum’s scones (butter on first, then strawberry jam, then clotted cream), my dad saying “can you make the green gravy?” (he means guacamole), one of my sisters saying “have you stolen my tights?”, my friends saying “he ain’t wurf it, you’re betta off without him love” whilst ordering another round of Barcardi Breezers, BBC Newsnight, minimum wage legislation, comedy night and a chicken Jalfrezi, apple crumble, the Sacred Hearts playing at the Fermain Tavern, public libraries and swimming pools, and Body Shop bronzer.  I’m doing a Michael J. Fox and this is my Back to the Future
  • Stop being such a people pleaser.  If there was an Olympic Games for People Pleasers I would be a gold medalist.  It is sucking my energy dry
  • Bruce Springsteen also sang “you can’t start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart”. I want to make things that feel good to make, that can help other people, that hopefully will make them smile.  I want to make things that are a bit different and off the wall, but without worrying what people will think of me.  For some reason it’s the batshit crazy stuff that people seem to like the most.

 

WELL DONE THESE PEOPLE!

This is a new section I want to add to most-ish of my blog posts.  I’m often going down internet rabbit holes and finding interesting things that I want to share, so here are a few for starters…

I really liked this short video explaining when to lean vs twist in surfing turns.  The bicycle analogy is great  Lean or Twist

Ahh, the elusive frontside top turn, here’s a technique breakdown from Carissa Moore and Mike Parsons  How to FS power carve like Carissa Moore

This was my favourite Ted Talk of 2016, I cried when I watched it.  If you have a tendency to over feel things then this one’s for you  The gentle power of highly sensitive people

A little piece of me died when I heard that George Michael had passed away on Christmas Day.  His songs were the soundtrack to my teenage years and as a committed Whamster I had all his posters on my bedroom wall.  One day I ruined the posters by kissing them whilst wearing red lipstick.  I thought he was incredibly brave when he was outed and he admitted he wasn’t the person that millions of women wanted him to be.  This is the long version of the ‘I’m Your Man’ video.  The line about the 8 million albums is brilliant and the bit where he spanks his own arse with a tambourine always cheers me up   I’m Your Man

 

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